naked.

i dont want to say i miss you coz it only amplifies the feeling.

i try not to think a lot coz it hits me dead just by thinking of how the world works, i seldom show affection coz i dont want to burn my heart again. when sideS are on my side I savor it, i use my senses to grasp every moment, i tear my face with expressions coz i want to bottle everything that makes me feel. i want to grow, i want to grow with each and everyone of you.

when tears flow, i try to calm myself and think of possible ways on how to make you feel better. when laughter strikes, i make it a point that itll last a lifetime. the world is sososo bearable with you guys, the world is not as scheming as it seems when im with you, my friends. this is as real as it gets and sometimes i dont think i deserve such blessing.  now i stare at the times when you fought life with me,  hoping that in time i myself would have the strength to fight life (for you guys). life is worth the ride. thank you. i dun miss all of you that much HAHAHA

i always thought that friday the 13th is a scary day,  im ready to drink chickens blood just to get the curse out of me, i dunno where the fuck did i get that idea. anyway, sumfin happened that day, i dunno if its a good thing or a bad thing, all i know is that i want to keep it for the rest of my life.

im still in a spin thinking bout the series of events that happened that night. i can still remember the beers kick, the lights and those eyes that caught my attention. the world spins in one direction, itll never go back to where it was after every move, its a cycle that we are lost in, where time dictates what we are in the future; and with the decisions that i made, and with the feelings that i got that day, i have no regrets; and with every flow i got from you i swallowed it into my soul.

im still in awe, i dunno why and how it all happened. it was so spontaneous,it happened so fast and i gambled so much to the point that im willing to hurt myself. its fun that way i guess, besides its friday the 13th, maybe I expected sumfin bad to happen that I totally allowed myself to be impaired, I have an excuse you may say but It didn’t turned out the way I expected it to be, it went well, well enough to say that Friday the 13^th is not at all a jinx.

Ill

~if my heart beats for you, I have to keep it to myself. *wink.

get up.

its too early to get up, i seek comfort with my eyes closed. i want to stay in the blackholes of my dreams, a world where emptiness is worth the ride. i want to open my eyes no more, id love it if ill wake up in a world where i dont have an identity, in a place where i have access to every pain and joy and i have the freedom to discard them feelings whenever i want to. i just want to escape this hollow feeling tha has been consuming my sanity for the past weeks, im emotionaly sick and i want to puke my way to hell. im restless when im up, i dunno why i hate and why i feel like bashing every skull that ticks my eyes. im down and i want to drag someone with me, its always a comfort to know someones going to pull the trigger with me.

here i am again as i try to motivate myself, please tell me that the world aint this infected. i really want to try and fight every pain but sometimes its too much, im fading with the memories that creates a hole in my soul. my eyes are tired, the doors to my soul are starting to close permanently, and its ok for me if it stays that way.

whisper to my ear,  " get up and fight motherfucker".

i blew bubbles

and i laughed at your lies

i popped them one by one

as i am popping every lie

one got away

and it went into my eye

i shed a tear

cried and cried till it dried

silence.

i try to ignore the voices in my head

i drifted with the flow of misery, pain and regrets

immobile for days, hopefully not for a lifetime

then it came to me, why choose death over life?

when i have my friends (family) by my side

so i chose L-I-F-E.

i laughed, cried, cursed and smiled.

i never blow them bubbles ever again.

maybe next time. but definitely not with the same woman

-fin-

thanx for loving me the best way you knew how.

it ended badly but i thankYOU for making me feel that ‘it’ wud last forever, thankYOU for the temporary bliss, thankYOU for the ‘helloS’ and ‘i miss you’ messages, thankYOU for keeping me in ur arms that day when i bit my tongue, thankYOU for holding my hands so tight that you made me feel secured and loved. thanx for burping with me and for licking those ice cubes with me. thanx for the innocence that you shared with me. i am grateful.

thanx for the new experience.

once again im going to pick up the pieces and find new ways to breathe, once again im going to seek comfort and hang on to my friends, once again ill divide the weight of the burden and carry it with the weight of alcohol on my head and on my stomache, once again ill let myself fall and stand up with my newly found wisdom.

once again ill reach for a star and wonder if itll last.

its a beginning of a new chapter in my life, im afraid but i havta fight and move on- for myself and for the people that gives a shit.

muchmuch love to the people who inspired me, you know who you are.